I was wrong. The way that I ended things is something that I regret. I loved you so deeply and was in so much pain that I thought the best way for me to heal was to cut you off. Sort of like ripping a bandaid off and letting the wound heal on its own. But, I should have tended to the wound. I should have called you. I should have texted you. But I just didn’t know any better.

As time went on, life began to feel normal again. I still thought about you. I wondered what life was like for you; how you were doing…but I continued to think that staying away was the best option for me. Keeping you tucked away was safe and easy. Out of sight. Out of mind. And I don’t get to relive any pain.

But seeing you brought me all the way back. Those painful, hurt, sad feelings that I tucked away and never dealt with came right back. It felt like we broke up the day before. And not being able to talk to you, makes it worse.

I thought back to the last time I saw you in 2012(ironically it was our anniversary (11/4) but I never shared that when I was with you). I wanted to tell you that I missed you, A LOT. That I wanted you back. That it was hard to go from talking to someone you love several times a day to not at all. That I wanted us to work it out but I couldn’t. Back then, I had a serious issue with communication. I didn’t know how to express my feelings. I didn’t want you to see me hurt. I wanted you to think that I was good and that our breakup didn’t affect me.

But our breakup was devastating. Similar to a death. I slipped into a slight depression. I lost weight.  I pulled away from my friends. I didn’t go out. I just went to work and came home. Nothing mattered without YOU.

Once we broke up, I did a lot of self reflecting and realized that some time during the relationship, I lost myself. I decided that I wasn’t ready to move on. So, I didn’t date anyone for over 2 years because I needed to get myself together. I needed to find me again.  I wasn’t confident anymore. I was complacent. I wasn’t doing any of the things I used to enjoy. I was so wrapped up in you that I forgot about my needs. I also realized that I forgot about your needs too. I stopped treating you the way I started treating you. Now, I know that I shouldn’t have done that. But, I acted that way because of the hurt and disappointment that I felt during different parts of our relationship.

But the problem was that… I never told you how I felt. I kept everything inside and swept most things under the rug. I never told you that the reason why I never communicated with you was out of fear of losing you. I didn’t want an argument to cause us to break up. I never told you that my mom and I had horrible communication skills while I was growing up. All we ever did was fight and I didn’t want that in our relationship. I never told you my fears. I never told you that I knew about the other women. I never told you that I found it odd that you didn’t tell me that you had a Facebook page. I never told you how much it hurt that you would untag my photos from your page. I never told you that I saw you emailing another woman while you were in the bed with me. I never told you how much it hurt that we didn’t go out like other couples did. I never told you what I needed. I expected you to know(which was wrong). I never told you that I needed you for many different things but was too afraid to ask because I didn’t want to be rejected. I never told you how much I loved spending time with you. I never told you how attracted I was to you.  I never told you how cute you look when you dance.  I never told you that I loved how affectionate you were. I never told you that you were the funniest person I knew. I never told you how lucky I was to have you. I never told you how much I loved you. I never said I love you enough.

This is all I wanted to say to you.

You will always be in my thoughts. I will always love you.

Now…you have been told.

-JE