I was wrong. The way that I ended things is something that I regret. I loved you so deeply and was in so much pain that I thought the best way for me to heal was to cut you off. Sort of like ripping a bandaid off and letting the wound heal on its own. But, I should have tended to the wound. I should have called you. I should have texted you. But I just didn’t know any better.

As time went on, life began to feel normal again. I still thought about you. I wondered what life was like for you; how you were doing…but I continued to think that staying away was the best option for me. Keeping you tucked away was safe and easy. Out of sight. Out of mind. And I don’t get to relive any pain.

But seeing you brought me all the way back. Those painful, hurt, sad feelings that I tucked away and never dealt with came right back. It felt like we broke up the day before. And not being able to talk to you, makes it worse.

I thought back to the last time I saw you in 2012(ironically it was our anniversary (11/4) but I never shared that when I was with you). I wanted to tell you that I missed you, A LOT. That I wanted you back. That it was hard to go from talking to someone you love several times a day to not at all. That I wanted us to work it out but I couldn’t. Back then, I had a serious issue with communication. I didn’t know how to express my feelings. I didn’t want you to see me hurt. I wanted you to think that I was good and that our breakup didn’t affect me.

But our breakup was devastating. Similar to a death. I slipped into a slight depression. I lost weight.  I pulled away from my friends. I didn’t go out. I just went to work and came home. Nothing mattered without YOU.

Once we broke up, I did a lot of self reflecting and realized that some time during the relationship, I lost myself. I decided that I wasn’t ready to move on. So, I didn’t date anyone for over 2 years because I needed to get myself together. I needed to find me again.  I wasn’t confident anymore. I was complacent. I wasn’t doing any of the things I used to enjoy. I was so wrapped up in you that I forgot about my needs. I also realized that I forgot about your needs too. I stopped treating you the way I started treating you. Now, I know that I shouldn’t have done that. But, I acted that way because of the hurt and disappointment that I felt during different parts of our relationship.

But the problem was that… I never told you how I felt. I kept everything inside and swept most things under the rug. I never told you that the reason why I never communicated with you was out of fear of losing you. I didn’t want an argument to cause us to break up. I never told you that my mom and I had horrible communication skills while I was growing up. All we ever did was fight and I didn’t want that in our relationship. I never told you my fears. I never told you that I knew about the other women. I never told you that I found it odd that you didn’t tell me that you had a Facebook page. I never told you how much it hurt that you would untag my photos from your page. I never told you that I saw you emailing another woman while you were in the bed with me. I never told you how much it hurt that we didn’t go out like other couples did. I never told you what I needed. I expected you to know(which was wrong). I never told you that I needed you for many different things but was too afraid to ask because I didn’t want to be rejected. I never told you how much I loved spending time with you. I never told you how attracted I was to you.  I never told you how cute you look when you dance.  I never told you that I loved how affectionate you were. I never told you that you were the funniest person I knew. I never told you how lucky I was to have you. I never told you how much I loved you. I never said I love you enough.

This is all I wanted to say to you.

You will always be in my thoughts. I will always love you.

Now…you have been told.

-JE

You are living your life. You have a home, career, and car. You have every reason to be happy. Sure, you are not in a committed relationship but you are dating and you are happy with how life is progressing. Tonight, you are going out to have a good time, have some drinks, and dance with your friend. “Oh, he’s cute,” you think as a guy approaches you on your way in. “Oh yea.  It’s going to be a good night!” *ring* “Hey girl!” you say as you answer the phone as you approach the door. “Let me check your bag,” says the bouncer.  “Sure.” You hand him your bag. He gives it back. “Thanks!”  You smile.  You look up to walk into the restaurant. The first face you see is… HIM.

HIM. You have lived your life without HIM for a few years. It was VERY difficult but with God you have managed. HIM. The former love of your life. HIM. The one that you would cry about as you drove from his house to yours because you were so happy. HIM. The man you wanted to be with every second of every day.  HIM.  The one that made you smile by just looking at you.  HIM.  The one you thought you had gotten over. HIM. The one you FINALLY were able to live without. The one you were able to hide deep in one of the millions of memory files stored in your brain. HIM! You stop breathing or at least that’s what it feels like. That feeling you felt when life was great, has vanished. Your feelings are going haywire. You feel anxious, nervous, uneasy, worried.  Just plain bizarre. Why am I acting like this? Why do I feel like this?

You walk towards your friend who decided to choose a seat at the bar in front of HIS table.  “I’m going to kill you!!” reads on your face to her as you approach your seat.  Damn. You can’t even look at him. For one he’s with someone. She’s cute…professional. Good for him.  And two, it’s just weird. Wait, he’s alive? He still exists? I thought I put him in a box and shipped him to another planet 3 years ago?

Just keep walking to your seat at the bar.  Yes!  You are finally sitting. Your body literally turns to stone. Are you breathing? You can’t believe he is 20 feet from you and you can’t talk to him. It would be great to just say hello. FUCK! You can’t.  Awkward. Can you imagine walking over there?  “Hi, HIM!  Oh and hi Him’s girlfriend!”  Nah, I’ll pass.  *sigh*  If only I had booked my trip this weekend. I wouldn’t have run into him. But guess what? You are here. Just keep it together like Tilana said. Act normal. What the hell is normal right now? I am acting normal…just breathe.

Time passes, you have somehow been able to ignore the fact that HE is here. Right behind you no less.  The people you are with, are helping a lot. You hope they keep talking. You want the music to be louder so that you can zone out. *sigh* Where the hell did these feelings come from?

“I saw you and wanted to say hi.” Oh shit! HIM. He’s standing next to you. What the hell is going on? Why is my arm around his waist? Why is his arm around my waist? DAMN HE LOOKS GOOD! Breathe. “You look good.” That’s all you say to HIM. He backs away still looking at you. He turns away for a second to walk back to his seat. Then he looks again. Hmm…what was that look about? “WHY DID YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT?!?” you scream in your head. You want to yell, “Come back!” He’s gone. The moment is over. SHIT! You turn around. “Bartender give me a shot!”